Dear Women, 7 things I do not wish to see on your dating profile!

I recently found a blog post highlighting 7 things that women do not want to see on a guy's dating profile. I read it, I laughed, I retweeted it, I then checked my profile and patted myself on the back for avoiding all 7 nicely. I did however feel compelled to retort. Mainly because I can imagine a lot of women saying 'Yeah men, you're all dicks, sort it out' and it's for that reason I have written the below.

Thanks to Gappy Tales for the inspiration.




Making a ‘duckface’ in your profile photo

If you are old enough to be on a dating website then you should be old enough to understand that this is in no way attractive. I am unsure of the seminar that girls/women are singled out for, that tells how men are attracted to wildfowl, however, I am here to tell you that it’s not true....well, I can’t speak for all men, but I think I can speak for the general population. Duck face does nothing but make you look retarded, so please, no more duck face.


A list of what you don’t like

So often I have seen a profile with a massive list of things you don’t like in men and the types of messages you don’t want to be sent. I have no problem with your dislikes, it makes you who you are! I myself could write a list as long as a Conger Eel of things I don’t like, but I don’t. Mainly because a dating profile is an introduction to you, it is meant to be as representative of your personality as possible, even if it is just a tiny glimpse of who you are. If you have spent 50% of that space listing things that you don’t like, men browsing your site will assume that you are going to be like that in real life. If you met a guy in a bar you wouldn’t start the process by saying ‘I don’t like this, I don’t want that’. He’d walk away in less than a minute and you’d be left at the bar alone with your Martini cocktail.

So, instead of listing all the things you don’t like and coming across a little bit like a bitch....just adopt the same process the rest of us do: If someone messages you that falls into one of the categories you ‘don’t like’ then........ignore the message.

A group picture as your main photo

This happens more than you would think, two or more people in your main photo and often no caption to say which is you! What the hell?! We are not on a dating site to see if we can work out, based on your profile information, which of the two half drunk women in your profile pic is you. Give us a little bit of help. Use it as picture two, fine, it’s nice to see that you can interact with other human beings and that you have friends.

If you do however insist on using a photo of you and your best friend from that magical time you were on a beach in Thailand without a care in the world. Then make sure you choose a friend who is not significantly hotter than you. It wont come as much of a surprise that a lot of men can be a little shallow, but I know you girls are too, but we’ll see the photo and our brain will have already said ‘The one on the right’, it’s only when we click into your profile and read ‘I’m the one on the left by the way’ we just think ‘Crap’.


Pictures of babies in your photos (unless they are actually yours)

It’s a tough market out there and babies can scare people off. Having kids or babies doesn’t scare everyone and that’s why there is a search term for that. I personally don’t mind if someone has children but some people will mind. However, assuming you have ticked the box that says ‘No Children’ then people searching for you a likely to be people that don’t mind either way or that don’t want to meet someone that has children. Being then faced with a photo of you holding a baby with the caption ‘My little niece, she’s soooo cute’ translates to men as ‘I don’t have any babies now but I want them really fucking soon’, to which our response might just be ‘Yikes, next’

A paragraph describing how your friends ‘made you’ sign up

Probably the most common of all crap I see on dating profiles. Give it up, who do you think you’re kidding? Online dating isn’t the ‘accepting defeat and trawling the dregs’ that it used to be. Internet dating is really popular and a great way to meet someone special. So saying ‘I really wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t forced’ is like saying ‘I’ve always looked down on you Internet daters, and feel like I better than you’. News flash, you’re not. We’re all here for the same reason and the sooner you embrace that and go with the flow, the sooner you will enjoy yourself and actually meet some really cool people.

Writing little or nothing about yourself and then saying ‘Just ask (winky face)’ like it’s cute

What you’re really saying is one of three things:

1. You are too lazy to actually write a profile and you are hoping that you will just get by on your looks alone. You probably get a lot of interest from guys. However, I can assure you that meeting ‘Mr Right’ in this way is going to be a long process and you’re much more likely to meet ‘Mr Horny’ and his mate ‘Mr Perv’
2. You aren’t creative enough to write something about yourself, come on, give it a go...no one is going to judge you and people appreciate effort. So this shouldn’t be an excuse.
3. You simply don’t do anything worthy of writing about..Well, not much I can say here, other than, I am sure there are plenty of people out there that lead a more insular life style, so at least write about the nothingness that you do, as you are bound to be someones ‘Miss Right’

Text Language

This is in no way exclusive to women, so any men reading this pay attention too. Writing in short hand ‘text speak’ is simply fucking retarded. Using a Z in place of an S does not make you in the slightest bit cool. You just come across a moron that doesn’t have the faintest idea how to communicate with the written language. Anyone that messages me saying ‘How R U?’ will simply receive a link to an English school. If it’s not worth the effort to even spell out the words in full then just don’t bother.