Dear Women, 7 things I do not wish to see on your dating profile!

I recently found a blog post highlighting 7 things that women do not want to see on a guy's dating profile. I read it, I laughed, I retweeted it, I then checked my profile and patted myself on the back for avoiding all 7 nicely. I did however feel compelled to retort. Mainly because I can imagine a lot of women saying 'Yeah men, you're all dicks, sort it out' and it's for that reason I have written the below.

Thanks to Gappy Tales for the inspiration.




Making a ‘duckface’ in your profile photo

If you are old enough to be on a dating website then you should be old enough to understand that this is in no way attractive. I am unsure of the seminar that girls/women are singled out for, that tells how men are attracted to wildfowl, however, I am here to tell you that it’s not true....well, I can’t speak for all men, but I think I can speak for the general population. Duck face does nothing but make you look retarded, so please, no more duck face.


A list of what you don’t like

So often I have seen a profile with a massive list of things you don’t like in men and the types of messages you don’t want to be sent. I have no problem with your dislikes, it makes you who you are! I myself could write a list as long as a Conger Eel of things I don’t like, but I don’t. Mainly because a dating profile is an introduction to you, it is meant to be as representative of your personality as possible, even if it is just a tiny glimpse of who you are. If you have spent 50% of that space listing things that you don’t like, men browsing your site will assume that you are going to be like that in real life. If you met a guy in a bar you wouldn’t start the process by saying ‘I don’t like this, I don’t want that’. He’d walk away in less than a minute and you’d be left at the bar alone with your Martini cocktail.

So, instead of listing all the things you don’t like and coming across a little bit like a bitch....just adopt the same process the rest of us do: If someone messages you that falls into one of the categories you ‘don’t like’ then........ignore the message.

A group picture as your main photo

This happens more than you would think, two or more people in your main photo and often no caption to say which is you! What the hell?! We are not on a dating site to see if we can work out, based on your profile information, which of the two half drunk women in your profile pic is you. Give us a little bit of help. Use it as picture two, fine, it’s nice to see that you can interact with other human beings and that you have friends.

If you do however insist on using a photo of you and your best friend from that magical time you were on a beach in Thailand without a care in the world. Then make sure you choose a friend who is not significantly hotter than you. It wont come as much of a surprise that a lot of men can be a little shallow, but I know you girls are too, but we’ll see the photo and our brain will have already said ‘The one on the right’, it’s only when we click into your profile and read ‘I’m the one on the left by the way’ we just think ‘Crap’.


Pictures of babies in your photos (unless they are actually yours)

It’s a tough market out there and babies can scare people off. Having kids or babies doesn’t scare everyone and that’s why there is a search term for that. I personally don’t mind if someone has children but some people will mind. However, assuming you have ticked the box that says ‘No Children’ then people searching for you a likely to be people that don’t mind either way or that don’t want to meet someone that has children. Being then faced with a photo of you holding a baby with the caption ‘My little niece, she’s soooo cute’ translates to men as ‘I don’t have any babies now but I want them really fucking soon’, to which our response might just be ‘Yikes, next’

A paragraph describing how your friends ‘made you’ sign up

Probably the most common of all crap I see on dating profiles. Give it up, who do you think you’re kidding? Online dating isn’t the ‘accepting defeat and trawling the dregs’ that it used to be. Internet dating is really popular and a great way to meet someone special. So saying ‘I really wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t forced’ is like saying ‘I’ve always looked down on you Internet daters, and feel like I better than you’. News flash, you’re not. We’re all here for the same reason and the sooner you embrace that and go with the flow, the sooner you will enjoy yourself and actually meet some really cool people.

Writing little or nothing about yourself and then saying ‘Just ask (winky face)’ like it’s cute

What you’re really saying is one of three things:

1. You are too lazy to actually write a profile and you are hoping that you will just get by on your looks alone. You probably get a lot of interest from guys. However, I can assure you that meeting ‘Mr Right’ in this way is going to be a long process and you’re much more likely to meet ‘Mr Horny’ and his mate ‘Mr Perv’
2. You aren’t creative enough to write something about yourself, come on, give it a go...no one is going to judge you and people appreciate effort. So this shouldn’t be an excuse.
3. You simply don’t do anything worthy of writing about..Well, not much I can say here, other than, I am sure there are plenty of people out there that lead a more insular life style, so at least write about the nothingness that you do, as you are bound to be someones ‘Miss Right’

Text Language

This is in no way exclusive to women, so any men reading this pay attention too. Writing in short hand ‘text speak’ is simply fucking retarded. Using a Z in place of an S does not make you in the slightest bit cool. You just come across a moron that doesn’t have the faintest idea how to communicate with the written language. Anyone that messages me saying ‘How R U?’ will simply receive a link to an English school. If it’s not worth the effort to even spell out the words in full then just don’t bother.

Mission 5 - Me Vs Come Date With Me

After a hard break up, I am back on the market, begrudgingly. A friend suggested I try and get on TV, so I applied to Come Date With Me. This is my application form, with my personal info take off. I will keep you posted with their response.

COME DATE WITH ME: QUESTIONNAIRE

Detail and anecdotes are really helpful for us.  Please also send a recent photo for our records.

NAME, AGE & JOB: We endeavour to have as diverse a range of contestants appearing on the Programme as possible, including contestants of varying ages.	Mr Hiding under black tape, Founder or Tuk The High Road and New Business Manager for a Graphic Design Company
ARE YOU SINGLE? Due to the nature of the programme we need you to confirm that you are currently single.	Yes I am. I have the text message to prove it! Well, it's more of a confirmation text.
GENDER	MALE Tick!  FEMALE
ALL CONTACT NUMBERS:	0790*****70
ADDRESS	Flat 2,Singles lane Singlesville
POST CODE	SECRETF
EMAIL ADDRESS:	Shhhhhh@gmail.com
DO YOU HAVE A TWITTER ACCOUNT? IF YES PLEASE TELL US YOUR USERNAME (E.G. @COMEDATE)	@singlemanlondon
ARE THERE ANY WEEKS THAT YOU ARE NOT FREE?	No
HOW DID YOU HEAR ABOUT US?	Twitter
HAVE YOU BEEN ON TV BEFORE / APPROACHED BY A TV COMPANY BEFORE?	No, although I am sure James Cameron will want me in the next Avatar movie!
DO YOU HAVE ANY PENDING COURT CASES, UNPSENT CONVICTIONS, OR A CRIMINAL RECORD? If you progress further in the application process we reserve the right to carry out background checks on you to verify the above information (including, but not limited to, Criminal Records Bureau checks carried out by third party organisations).  Disclosure of criminal convictions, current criminal proceedings and/or county court judgments may not automatically exclude you from participating and we shall be entitled to exercise our discretion on this point but in all cases our decision shall be final.	No - It seems like I should write more in this box because you went to the trouble of writing loads.. So maybe I can tell you about the time I fell in a patch of nettles as a child and got covered in nettle stings. I was only 6 and was sat on a fence swinging my legs and my friend pushed me. I fell backwards off the fence into the nettles, I got stung all over as I rolled about trying to get up; Don’t roll about when laying in nettles, keep your cool and stand up. This will avoid further stinging. Anyway, I had about 200 stings and was crying like a big girl so ran into my friend’s house and his older sister put cream on each one of the stings, it was then that I developed my first crush. She wasn’t that cute but she seemed it at the time. I think her name was Lisa. See, I filled the box for you. More or less.
NOW THE FUN BIT …. HOW WOULD FRIENDS AND FAMILY DESCRIBE YOU?	They would probably say I lack commitment but I am funny, sociable and always happy. They might also say I am a bit of a dreamer and don’t let things bother me. On the other hand, they might just get suspicious of the question and deny knowing me.
WHAT IS YOUR NEWSPAPER OF CHOICE?	BBC News Website, New Scientist and Smurfs Weekly
HOW WOULD YOU RATE YOURSELF IN THE KITCHEN? HOW OFTEN DO YOU COOK?  WHAT MEAL HAVE YOU COOKED THAT YOU ARE MOST PROUD OF?	7/10 I love cooking and would do it every day if it wasn’t for the fact I go home to my lonely flat and eat cereal out of the box whilst sat in my boxers watching reruns of ‘How I met your mother’
YOUR PERFECT/ NIGHTMARE DINNER GUEST(S):	Guests that are not fussy are great, ones that bring a bottle and have a laugh are the best. And maybe even up for some apres dinner games. I like scrabble and twister
HOW COMPETITIVE ARE YOU?	Super competitive, until I think I am losing then I will pretend to be casual and like it doesn’t matter, but it does and I feel sad. But then I find something else to win at. This weekend I played Halo against my little brother and I beat him 20-2 and he cried. I felt like a champion and made him call my 'the winner' for the rest of the day.
HOW HONEST ARE YOU IF YOU DON’T LIKE SOMETHING?  PLEASE GIVE EXAMPLES.	I am really honest, perhaps a little too honest, but I handle it in a diplomatic way. I don’t like people touching my face and had to bring this up with my ex. So I made up a story about being trapped in a tiger cage and beaten by the French when I was young and that face touching gives me flash backs. I backed this up by shouting ‘Please don’t hit me’ in French and then hiding under the table.
HOW GOOD ARE YOU WITH CRITICISM / NEGATIVE FEEDBACK?	I often get negative feedback. Mainly people telling me that I am not taking something seriously. I just make a note of their name in the hope that one day I will rule the world and then those people will work for me and make me sandwiches and fix my cars and stuff. I have a list of 30 names already!!
WHY DO YOU THINK YOUR SINGLE?	I think I am single because I live 4000 miles away from my ex and couldn’t move to be with her.
WHATS YOUR USUAL TYPE? (PERSONALITY AND LOOKS)	I have to date someone that has a sense of humor and someone that gets me. Also, I would rather that I weighed more than they do.....is that bad? Can I say that? It’s not that I am shallow, it’s just I like to be able to pick a girl up and I can do 3 pull ups, so I figure if she weighs less than I do then I can pick her up 3 times.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR FROM A RELATIONSHIP/PARTNER	Fun, excitement, romance and generally someone to spend time with. Also, if they are happy to search for Atlantis with me, that would be super!
DO YOU HAVE ANY STORIES ABOUT YOUR WORST EVER DATE?	Yes. I have a blog actually. Once a girl asked me why someone had taken the water out of the Thames, I then had to explain the tides....I lost her somewhere near the gravitational pull of the moon so I went home and cried into a book on Physics.
FOOD LIKES / DISLIKES / ARE YOU A FUSSY EATER?	I like all foods, except Sultanas. Sultanas are left overs from the cold war. They were made by the Soviets to poison the West and therefore they scare me more than eating radioactive waste! As a side note - the font you have used made the word FUSSY read a little different and I thought it was a much more personal question!
WHAT THINGS CAN IRRITATE YOU WHEN YOU GO TO SOMEONE’S HOUSE FOR DINNER?	When the toilet paper is round the wrong way. Although, I am not really that irritable. I am a very calm person. However, I once went to a girl’s house and she hadn’t done the washing up in weeks. I washed all her dishes whilst she was ‘freshening up’ and then I left without saying goodbye!
DO YOU HAVE ANY ACCESS ISSUES AND/OR ALLERGIES? We require this information in order to ensure that we meet our duty of care to you as an auditionee or a contestant, including the provision of suitable access to audition and studio venues.	No, not at all. Except Sultanas.
WHAT WOULD YOUR IDEAL MENU BE TO COOK ON THE SHOW? Main Course / Dessert	Do I have to cook? Christ on a bike! Well, I am not sure. Perhaps a poached fish or maybe pheasant or something to make me look a little more sophisticated than I really am. Then, a really lovely dessert which involves fruit and maybe cream. I am not a massive fan of desserts so I think I may struggle. I like deserts, but that’s not the same at all. My brother has a Michelin star, so I will ask him for advice.
DO YOU EVER DO ANYTHING AS THE HOST TO LIVEN THE NIGHT UP?	I tell stories and make jokes and sometimes play games. If it starts going really badly I will chuck on some MC Hammer and then go and play with my tool kit in the shed.
WHAT DO YOU AND YOUR GUESTS USUALLY TALK ABOUT AT YOUR DINNER PARTIES?  ARE THERE ANY SUBJECTS THAT YOU THINK ARE BEST AVOIDED?	Anything and everything, sometimes it’s about how it’s not safe to have chicken pink in the middle or asking me why the salad is moving!. Although, often it’s best to avoid talking about Religion and Politics but if you’re looking for a good debate then religion and politics are the way forward!!
HOW DO YOU SPEND YOUR SPARE TIME? (Hobbies / clubs)	I learn Chinese, I walk a lot, I meet friends for drinks, I plan my strategy of world domination and I try and not think about bad things. I saw a photo of a dead rhino today with its calf trying to wake it up and it has made me feel sad all day. So later I will try and think of how cool it would be if I could turn into an eagle and that should sort me out.
WHY DO YOU THINK YOU COULD WIN COME DATE WITH ME?	Not sure, maybe I couldn’t. However, I am honest and kind and funny and I have never really struggled to meet lovely girls. I am no slut though. I have just had some great fortune with the girls I have dated. Although, eventually things tend to crumble and fall apart, but never mind. Life goes on....until it stops, but then I will turn into an eagle and rule the world from the skies.
ITV Studios Limited would like to keep the information you provide above for use when producing further series of the programme or other programmes produced by us or a company within the ITV plc group of companies. Should you be happy for us to retain the information you have provided above /or in any written Programme agreement for the stated purposes, please indicate this by ticking the box below. I would like my information and data supplied above to be kept so I can be considered for any possible future series of the Programme or for other programmes (food related or otherwise) produced by ITV Studios Limited or a company within the ITV plc group of companies	So, do I write a tick in here? I can’t actually read what you have put in the box and I am too lazy to copy and paste it or extend the box, but if you were thinking of getting me on another show or using my information to sell anthrax to Bolivia then I suppose I am on  board. So long as the anthrax is only used on cattle and  those cattle have all been bad.

Mission 3 - Me Vs Miss Newton

Recently a friend set me up with a friend to go on at date. I was told, with confidence, that we had a lot in common so I naturally assumed she would be sarcastic, patronising and contentious. I was wrong, she was clumsy, chipper and bubbly (Note: anyone that describes their personality as ‘bubbly’ just means 'loud and stupid')

Having spent a good part of the morning walking around Borough market snacking on the delights on offer, we walked towards the Tate Modern. This was meant to be the 'thing we have in common'. Although, I never really liked modern art, I just don't get it but I assumed this girl thought it was brilliant so we went and I was even pretending to be interested.

But, things were about to take a turn for the worse because as we got to the river she looked out over the water and looked amazed. Now, looking out over the Thames in the right light can look amazing, but this was something else.

“Everything alright?” I asked
“They put it back!” She exclaimed excitedly
“Put what back?”
“The Water, they put it back, last time I was here it was almost empty. I am so happy they put it back, it looks loads better”
“Are you serious?” I was very concerned by this time
“Yeah, did you not see it? It looked weird”
“What? No! No one put the water back. The Thames is tidal.”
“Really? Like the Sea? So is that like once a year or month or something?”
“No. Twice a day.”
“Shut up! Really? Does all the water go? Why’s that?”
“No, all the water does not go. It tidal. It’s occurs because of the gravitational pull of the moon" She looked completely lost, like no clue at all. I genuinely feared having to explain gravity. "You know what? I can actually feel myself getting stupider just having this conversation. The Tate is over there” I pointed “The station is over there” I pointed again. “And I am going home, see ya!”
 
And with that, I left. 

On my walk home I thought that maybe I had been a little harsh, wondered if I was too hasty and rude. Then I thought, if we stayed together I would find myself constantly explaining things. Simple things. Things that I have know for so long that I forgot when I learned them and assume I was born with the knowledge. She was the type of girl that would forget to breathe. 

I didn’t want to be responsible for that!

Mission Status: Success! Brain cells retained.  

Mission 2 - Me Vs The Stripper

I have never really been one of those guys that likes the idea of a strip bar. I feel they are like window shopping in Harrods, even if you wanted to buy, the price tag would mean you would regret it for a long time or simply get told to f**k off.

However, just after I was dumped, a friend of mine discovered the fact I had never even been to a strip club and in his mind, this was unacceptable. So, after much persuading and many beers, he convinced me to go to one. So we jumped in a taxi and headed for Whites of London.

As soon as we arrived we were swarmed by strippers offering private dances for about £20. “This is their trap, this is how they get you” I thought to myself as I stuck close to the bar. But, no sooner had I thought that, my friend had thrust a £20 note into the hand of the nearest stripped and insisted she take me for a private dance.

I was lead through to a curtained area out back where there were little booths, like changing rooms in a clothes shop except these we exposed, and as she led me down to the last stall I saw the demise of humanity as I passed. Middle aged men leering and drooling over women they had no chance with, that they had paid to be there. It was a depressing sight and I feared things would only get worse. I was right.

I got sat down in a booth and thought it best to make small talk, it’s what would separate me from the rest of these Neanderthals, above all it's good to remain yourself in these situations and not succumb to the depravity of your surroundings .

“Well, this is nice isn’t it? The floor’s a bit sticky though?” I said, in an upbeat manner
“What?”
“The floor” I said, pointing to the floor “It’s sticky, I hope it’s spilled drinks”
“What?”
“Nothing, I was just making conversation. So, is this your only job?”
“Look, do you want a f**king dance or not?”
“Really? No, I can’t think of anything worse, but my friend wont let me leave without one, so shall we just get this over with?”

At this point she looked shocked and confused for a second, then seemed to shake it off and proceeded to try and earn her £20.

Stripping is one of the only services where you pay in advance without any idea of quality of service. It is entirely down to the seller of the service as to what a £20 'strip' is. As I was wondering if they had a governing body or if I could take them to small claims court if I felt I had been over charged for a service which wasn’t properly explained or satisfactorily executed, she took my glasses off me and put them on a little shelf behind my head.

Disturbed by this, clearly, rookie mistake I though I would break the ‘no talking’ rule that she seemed to have implied.

“You know stripping is a service that is 100% reliant on sight, taking my glasses can only possibly detract from the overall experience. A chef, for example, wouldn’t scold a customers tongue before serving the main dish would he?”
“What? What the f**k is wrong with you? Are you f**king mental?”
“No. Quite the contrary, I just think that, other than looks, you’re not very good at this. I mean, if this was The Apprentice and I was Sir Alan Sugar I would fire you. Quite simply because of your fundamental lack of understanding of an industry you’re supposed to be an expert in”
“That’s it, f**k off!” she said, whilst waving behind her.

And, with that, a large man with a very tight t-shirt on proceeded to escort me out of the establishment. I don’t feel bad for being thrown out of my first ever strip club experience. I just wish they would employ me on a consultative basis to offer my extensive knowledge of customer satisfaction and service, admittedly, it’s not in stripping but business is business. 

Mission Status: Success(ish) 

Mission 1 - Me vs The Activist

Whilst in the 'Owl and Pussycat' in Shoreditch, London I spotted a pretty looking barmaid who seemed to be taking an interest in me and my night. We chatted briefly about how she was tired due to over indulging the night before and that I was having a good evening. On my next trip to the bar, I thought that if she showed an interest I would ask her out.


Me: Hi, two pints of Becks please
Her: Ok, So, how's your evening? Still going well?
Me: Yeah, how about you? Still feeling tired?
Her: Yeah, still tired. But doing OK
Me: Wow, it's amazing how that doesn't change in the space of 20 minutes. So, do you work here full time?
Her: Yeah, but usually I am up in the Restaurant.
Me: Cool, so what do you do when you are not working here?
Her: Well, that depends what fun things are on offer (She smiles flirtatiously)
Me: What like clubbing seals?
Her: I'm a fucking activist!
Me: Oh, wow, urm......bad joke to make to an activist, hey?
Her: Or to anyone!
Me: Yep
Her: £7.40 please.

And that was the end of that brief interest. So the moral of the story is; Always make jokes about clubbing seals, because it is better to look like an ass than ending up on a date with an activist.

Mission Status: Failed (With valuable lesson learned)

A Single Man in London

So, a few weeks ago, tragedy struck as once again I was left a single man. Sharing a flat with an ex is something I have become accustomed to, however it is to be short lived. 

Even though the whole situation was a sad affair, I have decided to be brave and ‘get back on the horse’ asap. And I thought it would be fun if you guys came with me. Maybe you will learn something. Maybe what to say to a woman, but probably just what not to say and how not to act. 

So, I will be blogging all of my dating adventures for the foreseeable future, giving you unprecedented access to my dating site profile, and my social life. How exciting right?